Betty, I Won't Make Assumptions: Ranking All Folklore Songs From Least to Best

The worst thing that I ever did was what I did (to you) in this ranking.

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Before august even starts to slip away, I have decided to do the impossible and rank all the 17 masterclass songs from the art piece that is folklore by Taylor Swift. I am executing this with a heavy heart and with every possible consideration because in all honesty, folklore is an unskippable masterpiece I could never find a reason to hate. So sorry in advance to feelings hurt and spites thrown. This is the figment of my worst intentions.

Behold, the list in all its revolting glory.

17. Epiphany

OK, I need to put this out there. It pains me to my innermost being to know I have ranked epiphany last and I actually like how it ties with relevant, in-the-now situations juxtaposingly intertwined with her tales of the past, but in all honesty, it’s somehow forgettable - good, but not the best in this album.

"Crawling up the beaches now

"Sir, I think he's bleeding out"

And some things you just can't speak about"

16. Hoax

The bridge of Hoax alone is what keeps it one spot higher than epiphany. You could see it is the epitome of Taylor shining as a poet. It is a lyrical masterpiece, I'd give it that, but then again, aren’t all songs from folklore?

"You know I left a part of me back in New York

You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for?"

15. The lakes

Ok hear me out. The lakes is this low not because it's the bonus track. Despite the alright writing and undeniably catchy tune, it is nonetheless OK. The subtle angst in the lakes is what throws me off, aside of course from the legions of new jargon I encounter at every line.

"Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me?

I'm not cut out for all these cynical clones

These hunters with cell phones"

14. Mad woman

There is nothing to say about this feminist bop and I admire the common theme of sarcasm playing throughout the whole song, and explaining the fact that when men react, its natural, but when women do it, it becomes too much an overreaction, hence mad woman. I personally like this, but it doesn't just quite reach the same level as the next songs in this list.

"Every time you call me crazy

I get more crazy

What about that?"

13. The Last Great American Dynasty

It is no secret Taylor’s songwriting prowess is recognizably unique and so evident in TLGAD. Who knew a song narrating the infamous history of her beach-front Holiday House would be such a household name.

"And in a feud with her neighbor

She stole his dog and dyed it key lime green"

12. Betty

The first song on the list co-written by William Bowery, Betty is the ultimate blackmail anthem, and yet there is nothing unintentional for this dynamic songwriting duo, Taylor and Joe. James, conflicted but knowing full well that they still feel something for Betty, embarks on a “summer thing” anyways. This song is a window to the idea of young, naive love that is not necessarily justifiable all the time. And I sure do love it.

"Betty, I know where it all went wrong

Your favorite song was playing

From the far side of the gym"

11. Cardigan

Chase two girls, lose the one, James. You can see the pain Betty feels piercing through the earphones. She started out so fresh, in love and hopeful, but left to be wasted, chucked under the bed, and sick of empty promises towards the end. Too relatable, bro.

"But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs"

10. This is me trying

Taylor can describe the most mundane thing in the world in the most elegiac way. There is a perfect description for literally every single possible situation in a song. This is me trying has me on a chokehold. The amount of quiet power and message that this song contains is almost frightening. Her words shoot to kill and TIMT speaks volumes.

"They told me all of my cages were mental

So I got wasted like all my potential"

9. Mirrorball

Mirrorball is for all overachievers out there, giving out all they have, shining just for the acceptance they so crave from someone else. Yet no matter how hard they try, try, try, it isn't just enough. That's all you need to know to conclude that mirrorball deserves all the appreciation, just like how you would for yourself.

"I'm still on that trapeze

I'm still trying everything

To keep you looking at me"

8. Illicit affairs

I know it's illegal to rank illicit affairs this low but this is me trying. Everything about this song is literal perfection, except for the fact that it is kind of glorifying being the mistress, but other than that, I can't say anything to its face. This song ruined my self a million little times.

"Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me

You showed me colors

You know I can't see with anyone else"

7. Seven

Ironic, isn't it. But seven isn't in seventh place for comedic relief, but because it is precisely where it needs to be in the album. Seven might be the most folklore a folklore song can be. The story about innocent childhood friendship and love is already so promising in itself, but hearing it through the perspective of young Taylor talking to her best friend in hushed tones about escaping the sad life she leads through their wild imagination makes this all the more tear jerking.

"And I think you should come live with

Me and we can be pirates

Then you won't have to cry

Or hide in the closet"

6. Peace

Being basically the music industry, peace for this writer is very hard to come by. Taylor acknowledges that the spotlight comes with constant invasions of privacy and truly wants Joe to know this. But what she had lacked in peace, she made up for in offering her significant other other guaranteed promises, written almost wedding vow-like. It's so raw and sincere that it's safe to say peace is criminally underrated.

"All these people think love's for show

But I would die for you in secret"

5. Invisible string

Not all folklore songs are sad. And sometimes the best songs are the happiest and most personal ones. Invisible string just happens to tick all these boxes. Here, Taylor narrates the little things that, with time, are threads of the invisible string that connected her right to her significant other. This gives us an idea of how free she is in that relationship, and that her love finally "wrapped all her past mistakes in barbed wire", proving that fate really has a strange way of leading soulmates into each other's arm.

"A string that pulled me

Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar

Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire"

4. The 1

If only I could rank the 1 higher, I would. The first song ever introduced in the whole folklore album, the 1 contemplates on the universal question of "what if?". There can't be anything much complicated to that plot, but Taylor's unreal songwriting skills just pierces through this one whole ride of a song.

"I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you

If one thing had been different

Would everything be different today?"

3. Exile

I could write a whole essay as to why exile is so underrated, but in a nutshell, it at least deserves to be in the top 3. Exile is far from the formulaic songwriting we know too well. The love story occurring between two ex- lovers crossing paths and adding footnotes to their relationships, new and old, is, when left to be analyzed bit by bit, can pull at your very fragile heartstrings. And the bass duet vocals from Justin Vernon is just ugh-mazing.

"I'm not your problem anymore

So who am I offending now?"

2. August

- Aw shucks. I also thought this would be number one. Despite this, august still ranks so high on my list not only because it is my go-to- late-night-drives-screaming-and-crying-in-the-car anthem, but most importantly because it is the most tragic song in the folklore love triangle. Sought in the perspective of august/augustine/agusta (AKA the other woman), Taylor doesn't necessarily paint her in a bad light, but instead shows a girl who gave all her love to someone she knew wouldn't stay and love her back. Familiar?

"So much for summer love and saying "us"

'Cause you weren't mine to lose"

1. My tears ricochet

-OUR TOP 1!! You're confused? I'm confused too bro. Yet upon fifteen further relistens, my tears ricochet can be justifiably compared to the rewrite of the ''should I stay or should I go" trope with the looming undertone of painful hindsights and regrets of love. Inspired by one of my favorite movies of all time - Marriage Story - Ms. Swift crafted the most heart wrenchingly poetic song in the whole folklore album, and arguably, in her whole discography. And my tears did certainly ricochet with this one. I hope yours did too.

"I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves"

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There you have it. You're probably sitting there, stunned, looking at this list in utter disbelief why such and such tracks are lower or higher, and I am deeply sorry. The preferences are never equal, always subjective, and the rankings will always differ from you to the next Swiftie. But if there is one thing we can all agree on, it's that we all secretly wish that all 17 of them would fit into the 1st spot.

In my defense, I truly have none. But

It would’ve been fun if they would’ve all been the 1. Don't you think so?